


You're Never Prepared

by ThatOddNerd



Series: And Those We Left Behind [4]
Category: Vicious (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 06:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2457629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOddNerd/pseuds/ThatOddNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Penelope had been lying on their couch nearly forty years ago, crying and screaming about how unfair the world was, they'd comforted her, tried to console her, didn't mock her at all, but they both thought that when the time came, they wouldn't be so broken.</p><p>They were wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Never Prepared

* * *

 

When Penelope had been lying on their couch nearly forty years ago, crying and screaming about how unfair the world was, they'd comforted her, tried to console her, didn't mock her at all, but they both thought that when the time came, they wouldn't be so broken. They wouldn't feel like their world was crashing down upon them, nor would they be unconsolable or, as she later was for months, numb to the world. 

When the time actually came though...they were proven wrong. 

Well...one of them was proven wrong. 

It wasn't really a surprise when Freddie passed away. He'd collapsed a month before on stage during a production of King Lear, rushed to the hospital and...didn't make it out of the hospital.  In retrospect the collapse had been a surprise, but he'd been pushing himself too hard and he was in his 90's after all, the strenuous rehearsals for the play had taken a toll on him. What wasn't a surprise is that he didn't leave that hospital alive. Somehow, in the back of his mind and his heart, Stewart knew, while Ash and his family drove him to the hospital, the three kids sitting in the back with their mother were quiet as could be, that his partner was not going to have much longer. 

Remembering how Penelope was when her husband passed away made him remember how he and Freddie didn't think they'd be that way when one of them passed. Of course, for Penelope, it had been sudden. She hadn't gotten the chance to say goodbye to her husband. He'd had a heart attack at his office near Piccadilly Square and that was it. So perhaps not getting to say your final goodbyes resulted in more of a hysterical reaction then it did when you DID get to say your goodbyes. But no matter  what, no matter what they had said to each other before, the gripes, snipes, arguments, harsh  blows, and what they believed was preparation, Stewart was the one who got to find out the awful secret that no one learns until it happens: Nothing ever prepares you for the loss of your spouse or partner. Nothing. You were never prepared for this, no matter how sure you were.

Stewart didn't cry hysterics, didn't lay on the couch for days, sobbing uncontrollably, didn't scream that life was unfair. What he did was worse.

He shut off, closed himself up, and became  recluse. He tolerated the occasional visit from Ash and his family, or Violet, or Penelope, and on rare occasions, Mason, but those visits, all of them, were few and far between. His mother had passed away ten years ago, and he had no siblings, his family  members all passed away. He was alone. 

Utterly and completely alone. 

He would visit Freddie's grave sometimes, standing there for hours before a security guard had to ask him to leave, they were closing up for the night. He never brought flowers or anything else, he just stood there, silent and stony. When he did speak, the only words he ever said were "You left me you bastard. You swore you wouldn't leave me and you did. You let me figure out how much this hurts you selfish prick." , and admittedly, tears came then. There were times when he'd think back on their relationship and wish, in a way, that he could take back everything harsh he ever said, that he could go back in time and see the two of them meeting at that bar, falling in love, living out their lives.

But he couldn't. This was reality and it wasn't like he was a bloody Time Lord from that one show Doctor Who. Time travel wasn't real, and he couldn't go back. And now, all he had left were memories of a long life spent with a man he loved more than anyone else in the universe. 

Nothing will ever prepare you for what you feel when your partner passes away, and he wished that, of all his time travel fantasies, he could go back and tell his younger self that. Not that it would do anything to alleviate what he was feeling now but perhaps...perhaps if his younger self knew how much the death of that swaggering man Freddie Thornhill would affect him, he'd do more with him, love him more, be around him more, say " I love you." more. 

So many ifs, so very little time. 

When Ash asked him, a year later, how he was doing, Stewart told him, in all honesty, that he was barely getting by, but he was still getting by. It was, as much as Freddie wouldn't have admitted it, what he would have wanted. 

He grew a bit resentful of Violet afterwards, remembering her words from years before.

"You two are definitely one of those couples that will die minutes after the other." 

It had been a year and Stewart was still there. Part of him wished he had died minutes after Freddie. At least he wouldn't be hurting like he was now. 

You're never prepared for this kind of hurt.

 

The End.

 


End file.
